Ever since I was a child I have struggled with trying to be accepted. When I was younger I lived with my biological father were he looked at me as being the daughter that was going to make straight A's and graduate and go to the college so all my life with him all i ever got for presents was books. I never got any kind of special attention from my father. while my brother always got what he wanted. He got dirt bikes and a four wheeler and all this stuff while once again all I got was books. My father went through wives like people change socks its seemed like almost everyday. Most of the time I was very jealous because I felt like he would take the time to show all these women attention but i never got the attention that I needed. I see all these girls with this great father daughter relationship and that is all I had ever wanted. These woman always seemed to not like me and I never knew why.I guess they felt they needed to be the only lady in his life. Well with one wife something happened that I would never forget. I remember that she cooked peas one time and tacos another time. I remember seeing her try to force my sister eat the peas. and to this day I will not eat them and I am pretty sure she will not as well. Then came the tacos and i remember her forcing them down my throat to make me eat them. Surprisingly my father took her to court not sure what came of it but that was that. Then came the next wife. Ill never forget my brother and I came home and our first chore to do was to feed the dogs. Well we did exactly that and by the time he came home the dogs had already been fed and our father flipped his crap and ended up beating us with a belt. We both ran away that night to be with our mother. that was a struggle with custody battles and everything for a while. We finally got to our mom and were safe. Ill also never forget our father saying he did not want anything to do with and for some reason there isnt a day that goes by that i don't think of that.
Later on better things were to come my mom remarried and and he adopted us. At this point I became Alysa Marie Motter and my name was Lesley Jane Felker. I got rid of the past and in with the new. I am thankful to have a new dad that calls to check on me or sends me a text every once in a while.
The other thing that I have struggled with is losing my daughter. Reygan is one of the most important things in my life. I still struggle everyday wondering what was going through that judges mine taking a baby from its mother. One thing that I do know and it helps me sleep at night is that Reygan has a great dad that really love hers and I will never worry about how she is. She has what I wish I had had growing up.
Another thing that I have struggled with lately is my mom having breast cancer. I worry everyday how she is doing and is she working herself to death when she really just needs to sit and relax and enjoy life. Sometimes I sit and cry thinking i feel helpless like i can not do anything to make her better. It also give me anxiety what if i get it. All I can say is my mother is a very strong person and I dont know what I would do with out her. I know that one day I hope my daughters feel the same about me.
I know this is long and drawn out but I had to get it off my chest. There are things that people hold in that they can not just talk to with anyone so my computer seems to be my best companion lately. I try to live life to the fullest and be this happy person all the time because that is the best way to hide whats inside. so heres to living every day to the fullest and never taking advantage of what you have because you never know when its going to be gone.
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